Saturday, October 29, 2011

This week it's painting....

Last week’s attempts at becoming a plasterer ended up with me covered in the stuff and the remainder sliding down the walls. I’ll leave it to the professionals next time. This week I have decided that I am a painter and thought it would be a good idea to brighten up and protect a few outside fence panels.

I don’t usually paint anything out of doors, especially fences. Once you start you need to keep it up every year. I think that the pressure treated wood used for fencing can’t be improved upon with anything painted on it so another layer of varnish, stain or paint is purely for aesthetic purposes. I think it’s the same for external walls of houses, as long as they are treated for algae. On saying that, I will no doubt be corrected by builders telling me that external paint protects the render from frost. I’m willing to take the risk if it means not having to climb up a ladder every year and refresh the paintwork. There’s nothing wrong with grey, it blends perfectly with the weather and makes the houses invisible.

As there are only a few planks I thought I would give them a few coats of the water based gloss that’s on the market. I have put on four coats and although it’s very pleasant to work with, it still looks like eggshell. I had a real job on finding a suitable covering for the bit of fencing. Down at the local diy shop I glazed over at not only the types of products available to brighten up the garden, but also at the ways at which they can be applied. If you are revamping the fence and can’t be bothered getting the brushes out then there’s a spray gun you could use. Great fun, especially as the spray still works as you go over the gaps in the planks. Hopefully your neighbour won’t be out sunbathing. Not much chance with our weather this autumn.

Painting in the garden
Let’s have a look at what you can paint in the garden should the urge take you.
Plant pots. A simple thing you could do with the children (not using them to paint with silly). Have fun with water based paints then varnish them to make them weather proof. They could brighten up the patio until the sharp frost cracks them in winter (or you could put them in the shed for protection).

Fences. Try going for bold colours to accentuate lighter coloured plants. A deep red background sounds a bit garish but variegated foliage really stands out against it. This type of fence would be ideal for a smaller garden, though it might be a bit over the top on an acre boundary.

Patios. Like fences you don’t have to stick with the standard teak or oak colours, try painting the banisters or railings different colours like you see in children’s playhouses.

Paving slabs and tiles. I spotted paint you could use for both of these surfaces. Check for longevity though, our garage was painted with the red floor paint last year and most of it trailed into the house when the garage floor got wet. It was a real mess. Make sure you pick something that’s going to be really hard wearing and weatherproof.

Ornaments. Brighten up an old pair of wellies or give the garden gnomes a few licks of gloss to brighten them up

Sheds. If you don’t fancy turning the shed into a Wendy house then paint some trellis to go onto one side. Even in the depths of winter they will still give you a bit of colour when you look out of the kitchen window.
Sinks and troughs. If the idea of painting (and the need to re-paint) worries you as it does me then try painting with a different concoction. If you have anything with cement in it such as an old sink or even cement blocks then paint them with yogurt or buttermilk mixed in with a bit of moss. The acidic environment is ideal for the spores to multiply making even new terracotta pots look old in no time. Whether it’s faster than leaving the pots outside for one year in Ireland’s damp climate is debatable. Maybe it would make an interesting school project for someone.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

This week I'm a......

A bag of trouble
I’m at a local DIY shop getting some plastering finish for a wall (This week I’m pretending to be a plasterer). The 25kg bag that I wanted is unfortunately still on a pallet, shrink wrapped and six feet up in the air on a large shelf. I was going to jump on the mobile stairs that are for workers only but thought I would conform and ask a member of staff to get a bag down for me.
“I can’t do that” the shop assistant said, “The pallets are wrapped up with cling film and I can’t take the cover off.” Shop keep continued.
“How about cutting it with a Stanley knife then and passing me down a bag?” I asked helpfully.
“We are not allowed to use Stanley knives,” came the reply.
“How about getting the forklift then and lower the pallet to the ground and then we can draw on it with crayons” I said wishing I hadn’t.
“We can’t use the forklift in the shop whilst members of the public are in.” I was getting nowhere.
“OK, I said, seeing as I am the only person in the place, how about if I stand well back, pretend I am not here then you get the forklift and then get the pallet down?”
“Wait here a minute” The shop assistant moved over to the tannoy system and summoned a member of staff who had a fluorescent jacket with the words ‘Health and Safety’ written on the back. Now we are getting somewhere I thought.
The health and safety officer looked at me, then the pallet in the air, then me again and said “I’ll be back”
Fifteen minutes passed and I was getting a bit fed up looking at trowels and thinking I ought to stick to gardening instead of trying to plaster a wall, when I heard an intermittent beeping sound coming in the distance and getting closer. I peeped around the end of the isle and saw the forklift coming towards me with its hazard lights flashing brightly on the roof. The driver was beeping the horn and in front of the forklift there were two more members of staff walking slowly in my direction. As I stood to one side ( as I promised I would) three more members of staff became apparent behind the machine all walking with military precision. I make that seven members of staff all here to help me get one bag of plaster finish. Must be some kind of record and taking wages into consideration they are definitely on a loser with this sale.
“I’ve changed my mind,” I said jokingly “can you split a bag for me instead I only want a spoonful.”
The staff were too preoccupied to react (either that or it was a rubbish joke).
Crowd Control
As the forklift went to work, five members of staff with the glowing jackets stood with their back towards me as if they were practicing crowd control, well they were I suppose, if you count me as a crowd. I peeped over their shoulder to watch the one tonne pallet with 20 bags on it slowly move to ground level. The operator then removed the empty pallet from the display area (complete with one single ripped bag) and moved it into the centre of the isle then deftly placed the full pallet in its place.
Crowd control followed the forklift back into the distance in a sombre procession whilst the remaining sales person tore open the shrink wrap with his bare hands and offered me the bag.
Success, twenty minutes and at considerable inconvenience I had my one bag of finish to play with. I put it on my trolley and attempted to steer it to the checkout.

I couldn’t help thinking that the shop also had one rather dangerously placed pallet in the centre of an isle with a burst bag on it that everyone seemed to forget about. My guess is that there is an eighth member of staff hiding in the wings ready to check up what’s been going off and put everything right when no-one’s looking.
I didn’t have time to hang around any longer to see if someone appeared. I was preoccupied with the wobbly wheeled trolley. I thought technology would have rectified that problem by now. I wonder if there’s anyone in customer services I could tell?

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