BEAUTY IS IN THE AUDI OF THE BEHOLDER
I am starting my talk on gardening at a local club after putting it off for a long time. The room is full of enthusiastic gardeners and all are waiting to hear my ramblings about garden design and garden ornaments. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, especially when it comes to garden features, and it will be interesting to see what delights people have in their precious plots.
“I have an old car sitting at the bottom of my garden.” A woman declares as she pokes her face through two chairs on the back row. “What can I do with that? My son left it there, years ago and lives in America now.”
“When it comes to garden ornaments, it all boils down to finding items that are unique and special to you and that make you feel good. Every time you look down the garden at the old car, I’ll bet you have fond thoughts of your distant son over the pond.” I’m not sounding very convincing but I continue. “Have you thought about keeping chickens in it?” I’m making this up as I go along and that comment only gets a couple of disapproving grunts, so I continue.
“Many homeowners wouldn’t dream of putting any kind of art in their garden unless it was very traditional, preferring formal garden art like stone or concrete statues of angels, gargoyles and goddesses. Formal garden art also includes ornate birdbaths and heavy classical water fountains. These certainly have their place and can be well-loved additions to a garden. Other people have a different sense of aesthetics and prefer a more unique outdoor living area perhaps with a modern look and feel. This is where recycled products come in useful. A friend of mine collects old double glazed windows and has made some really useful greenhouses and sunrooms. OK they wouldn’t win the award at Bloom for the most attractive garden feature but they do the job and keep a few more things out of the landfill for a few years.”
“Do you know anyone who can take the bloody thing away?” The woman interrupts. I’m being heckled by a disgruntled back row gardener, who thinks I am in the scrap business.
“No”. I say rather unhelpfully and continue.
I did a talk on garden design a couple of years a go in Buncrana and everyone either fell asleep or had to leave early so I ask the 30 strong group a question to keep them on their toes and keep boredom away.
“Has anyone got an original garden feature, other than a car that they would like to mention?”
“I have an old shed that I wouldn’t mind shifting” chimes a man at the front. “It’s got asbestos in it so you have to be careful.”
A chain reaction has started. “My husband left three pallets of blocks on the driveway last Christmas. I wouldn’t mind those being lifted too” says a small woman holding a sickly plant in her hands for identification later.
This isn’t going well. “Is there anything in a garden that someone actually likes and gets pleasure from?” I ask. A hand goes up at the back “Yes” I say.
“I’ve got some gravel that needs shifting.”
TEA TIME
It’s nearly the tea break. I have a list of topics that I wanted to cover tonight. Winter gardening, garden ornaments and redesigning old paths. I fold the list neatly and put it in my pocket, it will keep for another day.
“Clearing your garden of rubbish in winter can be as rewarding as having it landscaped.” I’ve have found a new topic for the evening and everyone seems interested. “It sounds like most of us have something in the garden that shouldn’t be there. Let’s see if we can come up with some names of people that will do garden clearance, I’m sure we can find someone in the area.”
The car topic returns….“How many chickens can you get in a four door saloon?”
“I reckon you could get at least six, maybe more if the seats are taken out.” I haven’t a clue what I am talking about now and could have just given a very poor answer to a joke. “If it was a hatchback then maybe eight or nine.” What colour is it?” I ask the woman aimlessly. “I had heard somewhere that chickens don’t like brown because it reminds them of foxes.”
“Green” says the woman…... “ Green with moss.” She continues and get’s a giggle from the audience. “It’s an Audi I think.”
“Greens fine” I say reassuringly. “Chickens like green, it reminds them of fields and open spaces, it will blend well into the trees too and won’t be much of an eyesore.”
“I don’t have any trees.” Says the woman disappointedly. “My husband chopped them all down earlier on this year to make way for a shed”
“The man at the front has a shed he doesn’t want, all it needs is a new roof.” I am being flippant but am saved by the sound of the tea being poured in the kitchen. “Here’s the tea coming.” I am feeling relieved. “We’ll have a look at that plant after the break.”
