A FISHY TALE

WHERE HAVE ALL THE FISH GONE?
I have been busy clearing out a small natural spring fed pond in the garden. It didn’t take long as it is only about three feet around so a few mucky scoops of old leaves and it was done. I had a brainwave. We have had our fish in a small tank outside since we moved into the house about nine months ago. “Would you like to free your fish?” I ask my lads. The two goldfish and one slippery eel like thing that has hidden under an upturned saucer at the bottom of the tank ever since we bought it three years ago have survived the winter near the back door, so a taste of freedom might be what they need right now. “What about setting the fire bellied newt free too?” This creature has managed to survive for three years, all on it’s own in a small tank and I thought this could do with a bit of action too. The lads agreed and off we went to put them into the cold clear water.

THE NEXT DAY
“Have you checked on the fish?” I am asking them the next day. The lads are straight back. “They have gone!” They tell me. “There’s no sign of them at all. “They can’t have gone.” I say. “Fish just don’t disappear.” And I should know. My mind wandered back to a few years ago…..

A FEW YEARS EARLIER
I had a goldfish years ago, and this one vanished out of the tank one night, it was all very mysterious. I looked high and low for it but to no avail. It wasn’t until I moved out of the house four years later that the fishy skeleton was found behind the bookcase underneath the tank. The mystery was solved.

FISH SITTING
There were other times that fish went missing. These incidents were a bit more complicated as they were not my fish. “We’re away for a holiday so could you look after Bill and Ben for us?” A couple I know handed me the tank at the front door of my flat “They are like children to us so look after them.” They said. “No bother. I have looked after fish before.” I told them reassuringly. They were away for three weeks and I was a busy man, so didn’t really think about the fish much until I got a visitor with a better sense of smell than me. As soon as he walked in Pete said, “Has something died?” His nose took him to the bowl. “What’s in that? He asked. The water was green and lost any form of transparency a while ago. “Bill and Ben.” I said. “Are they alive?” Pete asked, pouring the water down the sink and catching the two fish in a net.

I am not sure which one was rotting, it could have been Bill…

FISH SUPPER
I was forgiven when my friends returned. “He was a good age” they said, “I’m sure you did everything you could.” “Mmm.” I mumbled.

Things got back to normal and a few years later I was asked again to look after the one remaining fish. It must have been seven years old and that’s probably quite a ripe old age in fishy years and they were very attached to it. “We’re like old friends.” I said taking the bowl off them and placing it in the middle of the table where I couldn’t forget about it.

My friends drove off in their car knowing that their pet was in good hands. I had the food and the water was to be kept clear. A few moments after they left I took a trip to the local shop. I was only gone for two minutes and when I got back I noticed that the table was a bit wet. There were cat’s paw prints on the table and following them with my eyes I saw something more terrifying that a scene out of the Blair Witch Project. It was the fishes tail…..The neighbours cat had got in through an open window and wasted no time in destroying any trust my friends had left in me.

BAD SITCOM
What was I to do? I did what any friend would do. “Would you have a goldfish with a tail like this?” I was at the pet shop in town showing the member of staff the dismembered body part to a rather shocked member of staff. “Well I think we should be able to sort you out.” She said politely as we made our way to the fish tanks with hundreds of potential suitors swimming around. “I’ll take that one.” I said eventually. I couldn’t really remember what the fish looked like but I had a good feeling about this one. You see situation comedies where misguided people think that they can hoodwink someone into thinking that an animal (or fish in my case) is the original one, even after the owner has lived with them for years and know every hair on their bodies (or scales in the fishes case.)

I took it home and put it in the tank. “Job done.” I thought “They won’t notice.”

It took less than a second for my friends to notice that their fish was looking a few years younger and that it had shrunk half an inch……


WHERE DID THEY GO?
“What’s happened to them? One of my lads is asking as we get to the pond. “It could be anything, rats, herons, dogs, otters, cats, neglectful friend or even alligators…We will never know. I paused and thought about softening the blow a bit. “They might even be hiding.” I said then remembered something else. A few years ago I threw their last dead fish in the fire instead of burying it or flushing it down the toilet…. You should have seen the expression on their faces as the fish filled with air and started to squeak really loudly…….I don’t think we will be buying any more.