OCD - Who me?

I was browsing on the internet late one evening, like you do, and came across something called an Ultraviolet Cleaning Wand. It looked like the latest “must have” gadget and when I found one on ebay for under a fiver, well who can resist a bargain?

The wand manufacturers claim that by simply running the ultraviolet beam two inches away from any inanimate object for thirty seconds it can kill up to 99% of all germs and bacteria. The package was delivered the next day and I took no time getting the hand held magic wand into action. It’s amazing what needs cleaning in the house when you get your eye in. In the matter of minutes I had disinfected the kitchen worktops, door knobs, pillows, telephone, computer keyboard, hair brush, dog’s bed and kitchen utensils in the drawer. We have people visiting at the moment and they and the rest of the family are all convinced that I am coming down with a case of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

I like things tidy

OK I admit that I like things tidy, for example I won’t go to the beach in the car because I have a bit of an aversion to sand on the dashboard and I will check the door handle of the house up to ten times before I leave to go shopping. That just means that I am tidy and organised doesn’t it? I suppose I am not helping the situation by coming up behind people in the bathroom and sanitizing the towels after they have washed their hands. Come to think of it I have got a few hygiene issues. There are a couple of things I dislike when I am in public. One is the fact that toilet doors open inwards so even if you have washed your hands thoroughly after using them you still have to pull on the handle. The other gripe is if someone is serving food to you and they insist on talking to someone over your plate before it’s been handed over to you. Those invisible germs float down onto the food ...gross. This thankfully only usually happens in films and soap operas and when it does the only thing I can do is shout at the telly for them to put the food down on the table in front of the customer before they start to talk to each other. It’s a bit like when I watch football on the TV, I only look at the condition of the pitch and don’t see the game.

It’s what you don’t see

On coming across the new gadget I have also found an ultraviolet device that can detect urine. Oh happy days. Ever since I saw an episode of Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares where the device was used to assess the cleanliness of a restaurant toilet I have thought I need one of those in my life. The UV rays detected stains on every surface; washbasin, handles, toilet roll holder and worryingly the toilet bowl was actually cleaner than the ceiling. I know that allowing contact to germs and bacteria actually helps build up the immune system, but this is a scary thought and one of the reasons I wouldn’t touch the communal mint bowl after paying the bill.

I mentioned light-heartedly to the family that I was working my way up to living in a big plastic bubble and getting a laser beam to zap fragments of glass off of the floor like Howard Hughes did and for some reason (again worryingly) no-one seemed to be that surprised.

Composting tomatoes

I was very pleased to be able to compost the tomato plants that we have had growing on the window ledges of the front room. They were a novelty to start with and because they were in constant visual contact I never forgot to water them. They did make a mess and cut out the daylight though and for the last few weeks we couldn’t see anything out of the windows. I got the same relief taking them down as I do the Christmas decorations and this time I have had a chance to kill 99% of all germs that have collected underneath the pots.

I picked off all of the fruit from the tomato plants and laid them on the newly cleaned surface and with the addition of the fumes of a ripe banana they are turning red very quickly. The supposed cherry tomatoes (as stated on the packet) have turned into large beefsteak type fruit and are really quite unpleasant to eat. They turn into foam when you put them in your mouth, so cooking them up in a big pan is the solution. I placed them in a bowl of boiling water for a minute or two then removed the loose skin and cooked them up with fresh herbs from the garden and a pinch of salt. To finish off I liquidised the mush to get rid of the gigantic seeds the tomatoes have produced. This tasty liquid will make an ideal base for pasta and curries. For handiness I have filled up some old plastic cups that were left over from one of the lad’s parties and put them in the freezer. And yes, before you ask, I did clean the cups with my new UV light sabre.